But in the larger picture, nobody owes you shit

sometimes I have no issue waking up in the morning, getting ready, and beginning my day. other times I have no care about it, like, I do it, but I could easily be being pulled along by someone else.

I guess it’s a strange time in the world to be starting school. or returning. for so many of us. there’s this heavy weight of life on our doorsteps, and each day we have to push it aside to get to work/school/play.

I thought my third week of school would be different. I had expectations of myself that I am now seeing were unrealistic. I have not been in school for five years. I have actively been learning other things not literature based, and therefore have buried a lot of the knowledge i gained during my undergraduate degree. and right now i feel like an archaeologist searching for remains. ok, that’s a bit dramatic. but i honestly feel like it’s not as easy to conjure up information i know is in there anymore.

gosh. I’m only 27. my brain should be doing mad weights. flexing itself. or should it?

i’m reading The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennett. It’s going in so many directions – not enough to have me confused but to have me fully engaged – that i didn’t expect. I guess a theme in my life right now is expectations.

someone told me that expectations lead to resentment. i can see that. i’ve gotten resentments after expecting so much. i think that also comes hand in hand with the idiom that nobody owes you anything. Obviously, context is important and if you lent somebody a pair of socks, and you want them back, then that person owes you your socks back.

but in the larger picture, nobody owes you shit. you are responsible for you. you are not a victim. you can be victimized, and be a victim at times, certainly, but you are not a walking V-tim. which is power, right? that means you have power over your life, and what you let define you.

scary. it’s actually scary to live life with all that knowledge. to know that you are the one who holds the key to you. but then i have to remind myself that another truism to add to those above, is that we need other people too. we cannot do it alone. I cannot. that is for damn sure.

so yes, it may be scary to allow yourself to have a daily reminder that you are not a V-tim, but instead are the carrier of your own heart and mind and destiny. but when i allow myself to be reminded that i’m not alone, i let out a breath.